First off, f*ck epic, they’ve ruined my life. People often called me a social hand grenade, said I’d ruin my own life, told me I was on a dark path and that if I didn’t change my ways I’d end up dead or in jail.
I was last told that in May 2010, since then I’ve been doing alright, or at least I thought I was, until shortly after July 2017 when epic released what shall from here on out be known as “The F Word”.
So where do I start? Why is this the worst game ever invented? Is it ’cause the game play’s sh*t? No. Is it because the game looks like a cartoony third person Call Of Duty and Minecraft had a baby, dropped it on it’s head at birth and then fed the poor ba***rd a steady diet of bleach and Crystal Meth for the rest of it’s childhood days? No. Let me tell you why The F Word can f**k off into the depths of gaming hell.
I’m a father of four, I was a happy father of four just under two years ago. I’d wake up on the weekends, look outside, embrace the sunshine and take the kids to the park, maybe go catch a football game, do a spot of fishing. You know, human stuff that humans do. Life was good.
I’d never once heard of The Floss. Ali-A, Tfue and LaZarBeam were terms that had never entered my vocabulary. “Ninja” was merely the subject of some of my favourite childhood films, and a lifestyle that unfortunately I’m too heavy footed and clumsy to participate in. Back then, YouTube wasn’t the most watched channel on all 3 of the phones in our house. (As well as all 5 tablets, both PlayStations and the TV I paid stupid money for to be able to view all the beautiful 4K content I’d imagined I’d be able to watch) But now, that life has gone and Twitch star Ninja has won! (F**k yeah! Go die, pr*ck!).
Before Fortnite (AKA The F Word) I had never been woken up at 6am from lovingly loud, beautifully tactful, arguments over which famous oxygen thief (sorry I mean streamer) was our children’s current favorite. I’d never been woken up by overactive 6 and 9 year olds having “Floss Offs” or doing “The Worm” on the end of my bed. Never was I forced to endure “small person A” screaming “Dad, small person B is doing take the L Emote at me, make him stop”.
Back in those simple times, I could walk down the High Street and not have screams of:
“Daddddddddddd, I need this headset, Ali-A wears it, it’s only £725 million pound, everyone at school has one, pleaseeeeee” or “Dad, can I have £20 to buy this F Word skin” for me to say confused “but you don’t have the game?” To be hit back with “Sooooooo? I need the skin!”
The worst thing is, Fortnite the ACTUAL GAME isn’t even installed on any device in our house
I’d never had to be repeatedly beaten with begs of…
“Dad, can I have this F Word hat.”
“Dad, can I have this F Word t-shirt.”
“Dad, can I have this F Word wallet.”
“Dad, can I have this F-Word poster, pen, lampshade, squishy, hoody, boxers, rug, curtains…”
“Dad, dad, dad what about this F Word toilet brush?”
The worst thing is, Fortnite the ACTUAL GAME isn’t even installed on any device in our house and neither small person A or B play the damn game!
The reason I rank The F Word as the worst game ever invented, isn’t due to the gameplay, no. It’s because Epic have single handedly transformed a generation of young people from a generation we could be proud of, who would sail us into the future, bringing an end to global warming, bringing world peace and exploring the Galaxy, in to a generation of annoying little wa***rs! And, even though the game may be “free to play” it’s cost me every penny I own in merchandise.
I can only hope that with the successful launch of Apex Legends, a slow and painful death for Epic has begun and the s**t storm they’ve unleashed on the world will be long forgotten. Maybe then, we can have our kids back. Maybe then, they can go back to playing normal games and I can sleep soundly again knowing that in the morning, we’ll wake up and I’ll kick his arse on FIFA. Like any normal Dad should.